autumn ramblings 8

a time when ~

i have found myself wondering about the numbers assigned to these ramblings. the number 8 appeared next in line as i was planning this ramble. i would not have previously thought of the number having significance but i am pretty certain i would have been eight years of age when i first encountered a very difficult year with my diabetes. maybe i should not say "very difficult". i am totally beyond the point of knowing what is important or an emergency or something to get really excited about. over the past few years with our daughter there have been so many occurrences, incidents, as i said ~ beyond knowing what is something major.

a "very difficult" year ~ perhaps it was. i do not remember the details. i do recall spending days on end in the hospital only for them to determine if a newer ~ for that time ~ insulin could be less problematic for my injection sites. i was not really ill you understand. but more kind of like a guinea pig. whatever. i was again hospitalized a few months later with a serious stomach flu and again at the end of June following the last day of school and being found during the night with an extremely low blood sugar, i cannot remember, maybe i had actually passed out.

********

rambling
i will try to get to bed earlier.
i will continue to get outdoors in the mornings even though it is cloudy, always, it seems
and colder and more dreary.
i will try.
i will leave her in God's hands even though it is so scary.
i will try.
i will remind myself there is nothing more i can do.
i will try.
i will try to be positive and cheery
and act as though everything is fine.
i will try.
i will try. 

********

nearly a month ago. i gave myself a huge largish scare. the glass landed on the floor. having shattered. no, not so much a psychological thing, well perhaps. i was in stocking feet. somehow i was on the balls of my feet. it was not so comfortable. mostly there was fear. there was no one else in the house. i had stepped on a piece of glass years ago. our daughter, quite capably for her age, telephoned her Dad who proceeded to come home from work and help with removing the piece of glass from my foot.

now you realize, or maybe you are not aware that i have had diabetes for 51 and 1/2 years. my feet - some might think i am paranoid about them. perhaps so. but the doctors tell me that is a good thing because of the diabetes. i am familiar with those who have needed amputation. at a youngish age. in the summer time. or maybe it was spring i was told i definitely have diabetic neuropathy. my past education and career choice of nursing enabled allowed me to see the long term effects of diabetes complications. too many young people. too much blindness. too much kidney dialysis. too many deaths. young people. diabetes. yes maybe i am paranoid. i say rightly so.

********

concerned about the weather
rain, rain go away.
come again some other day.
when the temperature is not hovering around zero.

there is already enough sadness from the weather
our own mistakes
because of Sandy
because of inferiority
feelings
sadness
huge change coming
huge change happening
everyday
some day
every day
around us
within us.

********

that star key

that number eight

meant to fit together?

diabetes

a difficult year.

********

i hope you are still with me.

i am here

i am strong.

i am able to smile.

i am able to dance.

i am able to laugh.

i am ok.

i hope you are ok.

no, everything is NOT ok

but i am ok and i sincerely hope you are ok.

********

that day the glass fell, shattered, scared me.

Greg was just outside, cleaning the step, sweeping. 

through one thin pane of glass. i called. 

he was there, quickly. i breathed, relief. i was safe.

my brother soon entered as well. 

********

paranoid. perhaps.

so much being reminded, though,

of orange. so many reminders, insisting

i must achieve better control, my diabetes.

only two. doctors. this time.

but so many from my past. so many still there to haunt me.

only if i allow them.

i will choose not to allow them.

orange.